once you caused my cells to shimmer

The city seen from the Queensboro Bridge is always the city seen for the first time, in its first wild promise of all the mystery and the beauty in the world. -F. Scott Fitzgerald

I am aching to sort my life out well enough that I am content with it. Aching to solidify my plans, find a place for next summer, or spend it walking if I get my way. I am content with certain aspects of my life, but feel like I am not achieving what I should be. I am still allowing myself to take a weekend off. I don't feel that I have necessarily earned it, so much as I feel that I need it in order to reapply myself to my life here.

I want a city to love, a city I can drown it. I do not dislike here, so much as it does not inspire the wanderer in me, it doesn't inspire tracing my life out across the streets like lines on a paper, like writing. I miss walking, I miss the ability to walk aimlessly, and I may start again anyway, I may start because it feels wrong not doing so. I may start because I feel that I will soon question my sanity anyway, am already questioning my desires, and I feel like I need something to ground me to here. My feet on the pavement have always been relatively good at doing that.

So a weekend away, wandering around the happiest place on earth, around a place that makes me happy, with family that I love and miss. And then home again home again, to an apartment I love in a city that may never feel like home. Two years is not so long though, and time always passes quickly these days. I will get a job, I will do more work, I will go out less, I will care less what people think of me, I will try to recreate the feeling I had at the end of the camino. I will try to recreate the feeling of patience, of knowing what I want.

I'm collecting again

Or maybe I just want to start, I have no where else to keep lists, so I figure here is as good as anywhere.

My new favorite sound, for now at least, is the sound of someone biting into an apple. Also the sound of walking through leaves on the ground. I suppose those are both sounds of fall, so maybe this is simply my way of accepting fall into my heart.

Today was crazy, which is kinda sad, because normally my Wednesdays are nice and calm and I can achieve a lot. Today, I tabled for my friend for save the hikers, I went to orientation part two, which managed to freak me out about the next two years of my life. Completely freak me out. I then went to a book release for one of the professors at my school, had a glass of wine, went to the actual vigil, went home to change and went and played soccer for an hour. After soccer I went and watched a movie about permaculture, which was neat.

And now my wednesday is over, mostly, and I am amazingly exhausted, and I achieved nothing of my readings for the week yet. But tomorrow I'm sure I will do nothing but.

Currently watching the local news to see if the vigil made it on or not.

when the length of her body sheltered the length of my body, it was the first time I'd not felt homesick

http://community.livejournal.com/theysaid/1527307.html

I can care less what you think

So really, not much is new or occurring at all. School seems to be panning out to an even level of busy and not busy. Which is becoming comfortable, which is good. I made dinner tonight and had a couple of friends over, which was also nice. I am slowly becoming comfortable with the people that surround me.

It is becoming fall, I went on a hike at one of the largest resevoirs that serves Boston. It was beautiful but largely anti-climatic because it didn't take much effort and I wanted to be exhausted. And nothing, and nothing.

It is becoming fall and I am slowly adjusting.

and we were galloping manic...

I never realized it would be fall that was difficult for me. That it would be the coming of fall that would make my breath catch in my chest with the missing of them. And maybe it's because fall is my favorite season, maybe fall always catches my breath, throws me for a loop with nostalgia, maybe its not just that I'm far away and disconnect from everything that they are.

It's been five years of friendship, 10 years of friendship, and it's always difficult to realize that it will never be the same again, that I may never go back, that the fact that I don't talk to them on the phone may mean I will slowly stop talking to them all together.

And I have stuff here, piles of reading that could eventually drown me, hiking in more woods then I've seen in years, new friends. But I miss him telling me he loves me, and I miss happy hour, and I miss karaoke, miss not singing.

We will see how this pans out. We will see how long of a two years this stacks up to be, there is a lot left to be determined. But I mostly hope that in this move I don't lose all of them. That he isn't in India when I go home for christmas, that I have at least a couple of years left with them.

There is so much left to figure out, but it is fall. And all I want is to sit around a bonfire fifteen feet high and luminous. All I want is to enjoy it.

way too much stuff to carry so it's probably time to settle down

Somedays I realize that a life in transition is not the best life. That learning a new city is only really exciting when it's a city worth learning. That having people to explore with is one of the main parts, and that for me, it takes awhile to become comfortable enough with people to explore with them. I am getting closer to deciding that I want to be anti-social. That I want to do my readings and chat occasionally and mostly curl up on my couch with the cat.

I don't ever know what gets me in and out of those ruts. School will be hectic, and good, and crazy. And sometimes, like right now, I don't know if I have the perfect way to balance that all out. But I'm sure it will all fall into place. And Worcester will just be Worcester, and in 3 and a half months I'll be back in MN visiting. And we will just have to see where it goes from here.

Boo

Sometimes catching up on gossip from the hometown is exactly what is necessary.