heartbroken

And I am exhausted with the stress of it, with the feeling of alienation, with the decisions left to be made. I don't know what to do, I am heartbroken ahead of time, I cry at odd moments, alone, at home. I cannot force myself to accept the morality of it, even if it may be a necessary evil, even if there is no one to take him, to keep him, even if his life would be worse if I abandon him. It is still heartbreaking for me, and I am trying, I am trying to keep my pieces together, to find him a new home, to find the support I need, to be excited that I am leaving the country, moving to Boston, to be excited that my future is so up in the air. But still, part of me thinks of the commitment made, the seven years, and I am exhausted with the stress of it.

But I feel a constant need to think about it, to talk about it, as if when I make myself feel just horrible enough it will make up for the fact that I can't keep him. As if when I know, honestly, that I've tried as hard as I can, it will make it easier to put him down.

I am broken with the exhaustion, with the not knowing, with the amount that this adds up to a failure on my part, that there is nothing more that I can do, but that I'm still not doing enough.